There's no place like home for the holidays... At least that's how the popular song goes. But for many couples, the question of where to spend the holidays is often filled with tension, conflict and guilt.
A generation ago, most families spent the holidays together. It was relatively easy to bring grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles from both sides of the family together for holiday gatherings.
But in today's transient society, where families often live thousands of miles apart, many couples are forced to decide which set of in-laws they'll spend the holidays with. One marriage counselor states, "…there's no denying that the holidays are one of the top causes of tensions among in-laws. In some families, the holidays can be as strained as a ceasefire along the Israel-Palestine border..."
Are you trying to balance loyalties for your own parents as well as your in-laws and spouse.
Many couples approach the holidays pragmatically. They decide to spend Christmas with her parents and New Year with his. It's a solution that works well for many couples – until, of course, they have children. Then everything changes.
Grandparents naturally want to spend time with their grandchildren during the holidays and may resent having to share them with the "other grandparents." Couples often feel caught in a tug of war, unable to please anyone, least of all themselves.
That's one of the reasons why psychologists often advise couples to create their own holiday traditions early in the marriage. By establishing their own customs, couples not only strengthen their commitment to one another, but assert their independence from their families – in a positive, non-threatening way.
Couples, who are torn about which family to spend the holidays with, often decide to spend the holidays alone or with friends. Others decide to invite the whole clan over to their house for dinner.
In most cases, parents are more than happy to relinquish the responsibility of holiday gatherings to their married children.
While some couples like to carry on the traditions set forth by their parents, it's important for couples to add their own spin to the holidays, whether it's introducing a new dish or setting aside an hour of caroling or games.
Although there is no simple solution to keeping everyone happy, there are things you can do to alleviate some of the stress and tension that often surface during the holidays.
• Respect the customs/traditions of your in-laws. Your in-laws may celebrate the holidays in ways that are very foreign to you. Try to keep an open mind and be nonjudgmental.
• Be loyal to your spouse. As a married couple, your first priority should be to your spouse – not your parents or in-laws. Decide together how you'll spend the holidays and stand firm in your decision. Don't allow either set of parents to pit you against one another.
• Have realistic expectations. Everyone feels tremendous pressure to make the holidays as perfect as possible. Things come up that you can't always anticipate, so try to be flexible. Keep in mind that the holidays you remember as a child may not measure up to what you experience as an adult.
• Put your differences aside. The holidays can bring out the best and the worst in people. Don't let past grudges ruin the holidays. If you've had a disagreement with one of your in-laws (Or a member of your own family), do the mature thing and call a truce. The holidays are the perfect time to forgive and forget.
• Make plans early. Don't wait until the last minute to tell people how you plan to spend the holidays. If you don't want to accept a holiday invitation with your parents or in-laws, politely decline and make plans to see them another time.
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